Advice Column — No. 1 — Recognizing Abusive Thoughts

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Question:

What do we do when we start having thoughts that we recognize as the thoughts that come right before we do something to control or harm our partner? For example, “they are such an idiot – they know that makes me furious – they know where this goes….”

Answer:

It’s good to start noticing when we have these thoughts. Then we can develop a routine, a practice, for what to do when they come up that can help us shift our thinking. And if we start thinking differently, we start acting differently.

I recommend these steps:

Tell yourself:

1. I want to see this differently.
2. I need to see this differently.
3. How can I see this differently?

Then take a deep breath. The answer might not come immediately, but you might get some insight in the next few days.

Next tell yourself:

1. I don’t want to harm anyone – physically, verbally or in any way – even with my body language.
2. I can be compassionate to my partner and myself right now in this moment.
3. This moment will pass – might be 5 minutes, might be 2 days.
4. If this moment comes back – I can shift how I think again. I can develop this skill. I can surrender or let go of the thought that might lead to harming someone.

Then later,

1. Ask yourself – what do I want to learn from this? You won’t always get an answer right away. The answer will come in time.

Let us know how it goes!

Sincerely,
10 to 10 Helpline